St Matthew
St Matthew

The Parish of The Risen Lord Preston

Not too seriously...

St James
St James

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Under-18's

18 July 2015

For your thoughts ... A modern parable

A man fell into a pit and he couldn't get out.

  • Buddha said: "Your pit is only a state of mind."
  • A Hindu said: "This pit is for purging you and making you more perfect."
  • Confucius said: "If you had listened to me, you would never have fallen into that pit."
  • A new ager said: "Maybe you should network with some other pit dwellers."
  • A self-pitying person said: "You haven't seen anything until you've seen my pit."
  • A reporter said: "Could I have the exclusive story on your pit?"
  • A Tax Inspector said "Have you paid your taxes on that pit?"
  • A Local Authority Officer said: "Do you have a permit for that pit?"
  • A realist said: "That's a pit."
  • An idealist said: "The world shouldn't have pits."
  • An optimist said: "Things could be worse."
  • A pessimist said: "Things will get worse."

Jesus seeing the man took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit, because a pit is an awful place to be - particularly the pit of created by the power of sin and temptation.

Jesus is one who has managed to avoid the pit and who seeks to help us out of the pit. Do not dwell in the pit. Do not accept the pit. Rather reach out your hand to the one who has stretched out his hands for you - and who still reaches out for you today.

Reach out to Christ - and through Christ - reach out to others around you and let the know that there is a better life to be had - a life that is given freely to all who desire it.


21 June 2015

On Thursday evening several church members went see Adrian Plass, a humorous Christian writer. In his book "Bacon sandwiches and salvation" there are a collection of humorous definitions including:
Benjamite:
(1) member of the tribe of Benjamin
(2) early ofr of israeli yeast extract that you either love or hate.

Go in peace:
(1) injunction to the congregation at the end of communion
(2) something that is only possible for those blessed with an en-suite bathroom and toilet.

Leviathan:
(1) whale or sea-monster mentioned in the book of Job
(2) long-distance race for Old Testament men wearing jeans.

Liturgy:
(1) public worship in accordance with a prescribed form
(2) not as some non-ceremonialists have vaguely supposed, an Indian vegetable dish that might go nicely with Chicken Tikka Masala.

Pillar of the church:
big thick thing that holds everything up and restricts vision.


25 January 2015

Church Bulletin Mistakes - These mistakes actually appeared in church bulletins.

  • Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • Wednesday the ladies group will meet. Mrs Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the Vicar.
  • This being Easter Day, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.
  • The Reverend Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7pm in the church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
  • Next Sunday, Mrs Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The Vicar will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
  • The choir will meet at the Larsen home for fun and sinning.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on 24 October in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
  • Due to the Rector's illness, the healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
  • 22 members were present at the church meeting at the home of Mrs Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs Crutchfield and Mrs Rankin sang a duet, 'The Lord Knows Why.'
  • The Vicar is on vacation. Massages can be given to Church secretary.
  • 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.
  • Miss Charlene Mason, sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10 August 2014

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Ever Wonder Why ...?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is it that to stop your computer, you have to click on 'Start button'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on aeroplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


8 September 2013

I try to listen better now
When God gave out brains, I thought he said trains,
and I missed mine.
When God gave out looks, I thought he said books,
and I didn't want any.
When God gave out noses, I thought he said roses,
and I asked for a red one.
When God gave out legs, I thought he said kegs,
and I asked for two fat ones.
When God gave out ears, I thought he said beers,
and I asked for two long ones.
When God gave out chins, I thought he said gins,
and I ordered a double.
When God gave out heads, I thought he said beds,
and I asked for a soft one.
Since then I'm trying to listen better.


1 September 2013

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mummy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

The Sunday School teacher asked her children: Did Noah fish when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

The Sunday School teacher gave the youngsters a month to learn Psalm 23. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'


20 May 2012

Kids have their SMS codes likw BFF, WTF, LOL etc.
So here are some for the oldies:
ATD - at the doctor's
BFF - Best friend's funeral
BTW - Bring the wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGBL - Gotta go pacemaker battery low
GHA - got heartburn again
HGBM - Had good bowel movement
IMHO - Is my hearing aid on?
WAITT - Who am I talking to?
GGLKI - Gotta go laxative kicking in


31 July 2011

The computer's swallowed Grandma
Yes, honestly, it's true
She pressed 'Control' and 'Enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely
The thought just makes me squirm
Maybe she's caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the Recycle Bin
And files of every kind
I've even used the internet
But nothing did I find.

In desperation I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine
The reply from him was negative
Not a thing was found 'Online'.

So, if inside you 'In Box'
My Grandma you should see
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her
In an e-mail back to me.


10 July 2011

Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please
Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?
Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same, Cancer scare
Customer: Hamburger Relish?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Sausage and Mash?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Cottage Pie?
Shopkeeper: Yes, ... no ... wait, Cancer scare.
Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?
Shopkeeper: Yes
Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.
Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.
Customer: Thanks !!


29 May 2011

Not too seriously ...
The Pope was driving around New York City in a limo on one of his papal visits. He was fascinated by the amount of hustle and bustle in the city. He got it in his mind that he wanted to drive the limo...

Pope: "Driver, could you please pull over? I want to drive."

Driver: "O.K. your holiness...whatever you say."

So the driver pulls over and the Pope starts to drive. He got the hang of it before long, and decided to put the pedal to the metal. A few minutes later, a police officer signals the limo to pull over ...

Officer: "Licence and reg ...(sees that it's the Pope). Oh, well.... um.... let me radio headquarters ... um ... I'll be right back."

The officer radios headquarters ...

Officer: "Chief, I just pulled over a very important man. What should I do?"

Chief: "Well, how important is he? Is he a Governor?"

Officer: "No, he's more important than that."

Chief: "Is he a Congressman?"

Officer: "Nope ... more important than a Congressman."

Chief: "Surely he can't be more important than the president!"

Officer: "Well ..."

Chief: "Who did you pull over?"

Officer: "I dunno who he is, but he's got the Pope for a chauffeur!"


15 May 2011

Not too seriously ...
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the bull in pieces and laid it upon the altar. But before commanding God to send down fire to burn the bull as a sacrifice, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

'Now,' said the teacher, 'can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the bull on the altar?'

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. 'To make the gravy,' came her enthusiastic reply.


27 March 2011

Not too seriously ... Healthcare Warning
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man would live a long and healthy life.

But Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald's said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my fresh salad." But Satan created ice-cream. And Man gained pounds. And God said, "l sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

But Satan created steak so big that it needs its own platter. And Man gained pounds and his cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. But Satan created cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels. So Man watched others exercise and Man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable low in fat and brimming with nutrition. But Satan created deep-fat fried potatoes called potato chips and dips in which to plunge them.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in fat and cholesterol. It tasted good, but Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

But Satan controlled the health-care system.


27 February 2011

Not too seriously ...The Fahrenheit Temperature Scale

  • 60 degrees Fahrenheit: Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their gardens.
  • 50 degrees Fahrenheit: Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies sunbathe.
  • 35 degrees Fahrenheit: Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with the windows down.
  • 30 degrees Fahrenheit: Southerners wear coats, gloves and wool hats. Geordies throw on a T-shirt.
  • 15 degrees Fahrenheit: Southerners begin to evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.
  • Zero degrees Fahrenheit: Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have their last barbeque.
  • Minus 10 degrees Fahrenheit: Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.
  • Minus 80 degrees Fahrenheit: Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Geordie Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.
  • Minus 100 degrees Fahrenheit: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on their Long Johns.
  • Minus 173 degrees Fahrenheit: Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the pubs are shut.
  • Minus 297 degrees Fahrenheit: Microbial life starts to disappear. The cows on Newcastle Town Moor complain of vets with cold hands.
  • Minus 460 degrees Fahrenheit: All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

6 February 2011

For your thoughts ...Some one-liners

  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
  • Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Don't put a question mark where God put a full-stop.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.
  • The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

30 January 2011

For your thoughts ... Lord hear my prayer

I'm sure you have all heard the prayer:"Lord, give me patience, and give it to me right now!"

Here's more in a similar vein:

  • God, help me to begin relaxing about little details tomorrow at 11:41am.
  • Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it exactly right!
  • Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)
  • Lord, keep me open to the ideas of others, wrong though they may be!
  • Lord help me to stand up for my rights! (If you don't mind my asking)
  • Lord, help me to finish everything I sta.....
  • Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.
  • God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're never my fault!
  • God, help me keep my mind on one th....LOOK, A BIRD! ... ing at a time.
  • God, help me to slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo .Amen!

Maybe you've heard some of those prayers. Maybe you've prayed some of those prayers! We often find ourselves having to say, as the apostles did, "Lord, teach us to pray!"Teach us to pray with confidence, but in humility. Teach us to pray, not to force You to give us what we want, but as a means of submitting ourselves to Your will. Teach us to devote more time to this precious privilege.

I don't know about you, but one of the most amazing things in this world to me is the realization that the God of this universe hears and answers the prayers of his children.

"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him." (1 John 5:14-15)

Take time today to pray.


23 January 2011

Why God Created Children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"She started it!" Adam said

"I did not!" said Eve

"You did!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in the story! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


9 January 2011

A Guide to Women's English

No Yes
Yes No
MaybeNo
I'm sorry You'll be sorry
We needI want
It's your decisionThe correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you wantYou'll pay for this later
We need to talkI need to complain
I'm not upset of courseOf course I'm upset, you moron
You're so manlyYou need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lightsI have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenientI want a new house
I heard a noiseI noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?I'm going to ask for something expensive
Sure, go aheadI don't want you to
I want new curtainsand carpeting and furniture and wallpaper
How much do you love me? I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minuteKick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicateJust agree with me

25 July 2010

Some absolutely useless (and possibly incorrect) facts.

  • Coca-Cola was originally green.
  • Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
  • Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  • If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
  • There are more conceptions in December than any other month.
  • If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to go up to one thousand until you would find the letter "A"
  • Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.
  • Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
  • In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
  • In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden ... and thus the word GOLF entered into English.

18 July 2010

When you re-arrange the letters:

  • DORMITORY: becomes DIRTY ROOM
  • PRESBYTERIAN: becomes BEST IN PRAYER
  • ASTRONOMER: becomes MOON STARER
  • DESPERATION: becomes A ROPE ENDS IT
  • THE EYES: becomes THEY SEE
  • THE MORSE CODE: becomes HERE COME DOTS
  • SLOT MACHINES: becomes CASH LOST IN ME
  • ELECTION RESULTS: becomes LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
  • SNOOZE ALARMS: becomes ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
  • A DECIMAL POINT: becomes IM A DOT IN PLACE
  • THE EARTHQUAKES: becomes THAT QUEER SHAKE
  • ELEVEN PLUS TWO: becomes TWELVE PLUS ONE
  • MOTHER-IN-LAW: becomes WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with way too much time on their hands!


11 July 2010

To make you think ...
The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
the disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
the Samaritan woman was divorced ... 5 times
Zacchaeus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer
AND Lazarus was dead!

Now no more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.


4 July 2010

The Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a gym. A phone on a bench rings and a man picks up and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Hi, it's me. Are you at the gym?"
MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am in the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2010 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh! and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £50,000 since you really want the house."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open ...

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?


27 June 2010

The WC A young married couple viewed a house in the country and decided to buy it. After looking over the house they suddenly remembered that they had not noticed where the W. C. was, so they wrote to the Vicar who had shown them round the house asking him if he knew where it was. Being ignorant of the meaning of W. C. he thought they meant the Wesleyan Church, so imagine their surprise when they received the following:

Dear Sir
I regret delay in answering your letter. The W.C. in the district is 7 miles away from the house. This of course is rather unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly. However, it may please you to know that many people take their lunch and make a day of it.

By the way, it is made to seat 500 people, and the committee have decided to fit plush seats to ensure greater comfort. Those people who can spare the time, walk, others go by bus or train and get there just in time. The last time my wife went was ten years ago and she stood up the whole time. I myself never go at all. They have special facilities for the young ladies, presided over by the Vicar, who gives assistance when required. The children sit all together and sing during the proceedings.

Trusting this information will prove valuable. I remain, yours sincerely,

The Vicar


13 June 2010

With apologies to anyone called Mildred
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home...and left it there all night.


6 June 2010

Yes ... people really did write these on their job applications

  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  • It's best for employers that I do not work with people.
  • Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
  • I was working for my mum until she decided to move.
  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
  • Marital status: often. Children: various.
  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  • References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

30 May 2010

Notes left for the Milkman

  • Dear Milkman, Just had a baby. Please leave another one.
  • Please leave an extra pint of paralysed.
  • Please cancel one pint after the day after today.
  • Milkman. Please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
  • No milk. Please do not leave milk at Number 14 as he is dead until further notice.
  • Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
  • Leave one extra pint. If this note blows away, please knock.
  • Please knock. My TV has broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened.
  • No milk, thank you. We are away for the weekend - which is why I am hiding this note under the doormat so that nobody finds out.
  • Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I have been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
  • From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between - except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
  • Please send me a form of cheap milk for I am stagnant.
  • Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
  • And finally a note left for Nigel Matthew, 1991 winner of Britain's Best Milkman title: Money on table, wife in bed, please help yourself.

23 May 2010

Sermons
Many years ago the British Weekly printed a letter to the editor:

'Dear Sir,
I notice that ministers seem to set a great deal of importance on their sermons and spend a great deal of time in preparing them. I have been attending services quite regularly for the past thirty years and during that time, if I estimate correctly, I have listened to no less than three thousand sermons. But, to my consternation, I discover I cannot remember a single one of them. I wonder if a minister's time might be more profitably spent on something else?
Yours sincerely . . . '

That letter triggered an avalanche of angry responses for weeks. Sermons were castigated and defended by lay people and clergy, but eventually a single letter closed the debate:

'Dear Sir,
I have been married for thirty years. During that time I have eaten 32,000 meals - mostly of my wife's cooking. Suddenly, I have discovered that I cannot remember the menu of a single meal. And yet, I received nourishment from everyone of them. I have the distinct impression that without them I would have starved to death long ago.
Yours sincerely . . . '

Weddings and Funerals
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They soon stopped doing this after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!


16 May 2010

Are you a professional?
The following short quiz tells whether you are qualified to be a professional:

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross, but, it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all four questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. This disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old!


9 May 2010

For your thoughts ... Billy Graham's Prayer For his nation (USA)
'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.

We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbour's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honoured values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!'

Perhaps we need to pray that prayer for our nation, Great Britain, at this significant time in our history.


2 May 2010

Politics - to help you decide who to vote for!

  • Pure socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
  • Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
  • Pure communism: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
  • Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
  • Pure democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
  • British democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
  • European bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  • Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  • Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
  • Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
  • Counter culture: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

25 April 2010

Lawyers
As reported in a legal journal, the following are some questions actually asked of witnesses by barristers during trials.

  • Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in their sleep, they don't know about it until the next morning?
  • Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
  • How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
  • You were there until the time you left, is that true?
  • How many times have you committed suicide?
  • Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
  • Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
  • Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
  • Q: Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: I went to Europe, Sir.
    Q: And you took your new wife?
  • Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And whose death was it that terminated the marriage?
  • Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
  • Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
  • Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
    Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
  • Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

18 April 2010

Questions ...

  • If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
  • If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
  • If olive oil comes from olives! where does baby oil come from?
  • Why don't they just make mouse flavoured cat food?
  • Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
  • Isn t it a bit unnerving that doctors calI what they do 'practice?
  • If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  • If the black box flight recorder is never 11damaged during a plane crash! why isn't the whole aeroplane made out of the stuff?

Three friends die in a car crash, and go to an orientation meeting in heaven. During this orientation, they are all asked, 'When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?'
The first man says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.'
The second says, 'I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference to the children of tomorrow.'
The last replies, 'I would like to hear them say, "Look, he's moving!'"


11 April 2010

BEST POEM IN THE WORLD
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
As I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.

But it was the folks in Heaven
Who made me sputter and gasp-
The thieves, the liars, the sinners,
The alcoholics and the trash.

There stood the kid from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
Who never said anything nice.

Herb, who I always thought
Was rotting away in hell,
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
Looking incredibly well.

I nudged Jesus, 'What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.

'And why is everyone so quiet,
So somber - give me a clue.'
'Hush, child,' He said, 'they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you.'

JUDGE NOT!!

Remember...Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

Every saint has a PAST...
Every sinner has a FUTURE!


4 April 2010

Three preachers are in a boat far from land. They decide they are going to confess their shortcomings. One asks another, 'What is something that you have a problem with?' The first one says, 'Well, I have a problem with alcohol. I like to take to the bottle sometimes.' The second one says, 'Well, I have a problem with lust. I desire every woman I see.' One of the others asks the third one, 'Well, what is something that you have a problem with?' The third preacher replies, 'Gossip, and I can't wait to get back to the shore!'

A man once advised his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of ninety-three. When he died, he left fourteen children, twenty-eight grand-children, thirty-five great-grandchildren, and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of crematorium.

A man is walking along the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork, and out pops a genie. 'Thank you for freeing me from the bottle,' says the genie, 'In return I shall grant you three wishes.' 'Great!' says the man. 'I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want a billion pounds in a Swiss bank account.' Poof! There in a flash of light was a piece of paper with account numbers on it. 'Second, I want a brand-new red Ferrari right now,' he continued. Poof! There is a flash of light and a red Ferrari appears, right next to him. 'Thirdly, I want to be irresistible to women.' Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!


28 March 2010

Excerpts from Pets Diaries

Dog's diary Day number 180
8am Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9.30am Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9.40am Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
10.30am Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
11.30 am Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
Noon Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
1pm Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!
4pm Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
5pm Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5:30pm Oh boy! Mum! My favourite!

Day number 181
8am Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9.30am Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
9.40am Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
10.30am Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
11.30am Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
Noon Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
1pm Oh boy! The garden! My favourite!
1.30pm Oooooo. Bath. Bummer.
4pm Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
5pm Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
5.30pm Oh boy! Mum! My favourite!

A Cats Diary Day 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...


21 March 2010

Shopping for a husband
A husband shopping centre was opened, where a woman could choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended the floors. The only rules were that once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor. And if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down, except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the shopping centre to find a husband.

First floor: The door has a sign saying, 'These men have jobs and love kids.' The women read the sign and say, 'Well, that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but let's see what's further up.' And up they go.

Second floor: 'These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.' 'Hmmm' say the girls. 'But what's further up?'

Third floor: 'These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids, and help with the housework.' 'Wow!' say the women. 'Very tempting. But there's more further up!' And so again, up they go.

Fourth floor: 'These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.' 'Oh, mercy me!' they exclaim. 'But just think what must be awaiting us further on!'

So, up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on the door says: 'This is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping, and have a nice day.'


14 March 2010

Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer: 'Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where to "love, honour and worship" and "be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.

He passed the minister £100 and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the minister looked the young man in the eye and said: ''Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?'

The groom gulped and looked around and said in a tiny voice, 'Yes,' then leaned toward the minister and hissed: '1 thought we had a deal.'

The minister put a £100 into the grooms hand and whispered: 'She made me a better offer.'


7 March 2010

A husband and his wife were having some disagreements and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next day, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and lose!), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5 am.' The next morning the man woke up, only to discover that it was 7 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5 a.m. Wake up.'

A senior citizen drove his brand-new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M6, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110, then 120, then 130. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day, sir,' said the policeman.


21 February 2010

God Will Not Ask Me
God is not going to ask me how much I made.
He will ask me how much I gave.

God will not ask me about the size of my house.
He will ask me did I invite Him in.

God will not ask me about the elegance of the neighbourhood.
He will ask me how I treated my neighbour.

God will not ask me what kind of car I drove.
He will ask me did I give those with no car a ride.

God will not ask me about the beauty of my wife.
He will ask me did I treat her with love.

God will not ask me about the style of my clothes.
He will ask me did I help clothe others.

God will not ask me the size of my bank account.
He will ask me how much is in my heavenly account.

God will not ask me how many children I fathered.
He will ask me if I was a good father to my children.

God will not ask me did I achieve fame.
He will ask me about my reputation.

God will not ask me if I travelled the world.
He will ask me did I improve the world.

God will not ask me about the troubles that I had.
He will ask me if I helped comfort the troubled.

God will not ask me if I did miracles in the name of His Son.
He will ask me if I really knew Him.


14 February 2010

Children

  • Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
  • The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  • If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."
  • You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
  • Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
  • ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

29 November 2009

Cherokee Legend
Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him an leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.

The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him . Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man! Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, God is watching over us, Sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him. The moral of the story: Just because you can't see God, doesn't mean He is not there. "For we walk by faith, not by sight."


11 October 2009

For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

Directory Enquiries: There was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland."

Samsung Electronics.
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring Services:
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?


27 September 2009

Men and Women
As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest. While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test. Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?" His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

And the answer to the Bible Brain Twister By [John] Kezer
I once made a re[mark] about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lu[lu, ke]pt people loo [king s]o hard for f[acts], and for others it was a [revelation]. Some were in a [jam, es] pecially since the names of the books are not capitalized, but the t[ruth] finally struck home to [numbers] of readers. To others, it was a real [job]. We want it to be [a mos]t fascinating few moments for you. Y[es, ther]e will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require [judges] to help them. I will quickly admi[t it us]ually takes a minister to find one of the 17, and there will be loud [lamentations] when it is found. A little lady says s[he brews] a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can com [pete. R]elax now, for there really are the names of 17 books of the Bible in these sentences.


20 September 2009

A child's grace
A couple invited some friends to dinner. At the table, the wife turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say grace?" "I don't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you've heard your Mum say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I know I sometimes get the Notices wrong ... but ... PLEASE NOTICE
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed. - The Department of Notification.


Sunday 21 June 2009

The following are some holiday complaints and questions collected by Thomas Cook Holidays:

  • The beach was too sandy.
  • We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.
  • No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
  • It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.
  • I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.
  • The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?
  • There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.
  • We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
  • It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
  • I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite.
  • My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.

Sunday 14 June 2009

The Joy of teaching ...
Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountains and gathering them around him, he taught them saying: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn... Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."

Then Simon Peter said, "Are we supposed to know this?" Andrew asked: "Do we have to write this down?" James enquired, "Will we have a test on this?" Phillip said: "I don't have any paper." Bartholemew asked: "Will we have to hand this in?" John claimed; "The other disciples didn't have to learn this. And Matthew said, "Can I go to the toilet?"

Then one of the Pharisees asked to see Jesus lesson plans, his Health and Safety Policy and his CRB clearance.

And Jesus wept.


Sunday 22 March 2009 - Mothering Sunday

Job Position - Mother (Mum, Mummy)

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, including evenings, weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of cheap plastic toys and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this -- you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that further education will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no paid holidays and no share options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.


15 February 2009
A seven-year old boy was at the centre of a Newcastle courtroom drama this week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Sunderland Football Club, whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.


11 January 2009: A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change colour, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.

11 January 2009: From the Press

"...the judges decided that the joint winners of the best cook competition were Mrs Smith (an Old English Tart) and Miss Cooper (a surprise hot dish)." Parish Magazine in Devon.

"At St Dunstan's tickets cost ú4.00 including wine & nibbles from the Rector." Kent Messenger.

"The gust of wind took all who were at the ceremony completely be surprise. Hats were blown off and copies of the vicar's speech and other rubbish were scattered around."

"Afterwards, the bishop walked among the crowds eating their picnic lunches." Southwork News

The Darlington & Stockton Times reported: "The bible study group on fasting heard that several religions practised fasting as a means of growing nearer to God. Refreshments were served."


23 November 2008 - Winter Night Classes for Men

Class 1: How to fill up the ice cube trays - step by step, with slide presentation.

Class 2: The toilet paper roll - does it change itself? Round table discussion.

Class 3: Fundamental differences between the laundry basket and the floor - pictures and explanatory graphics.

Class 4: After dinner dishes - can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Class 5: Loss of identity - losing the remote to your significant other. Help line support and support groups.

Class 6: Health watch - bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.

Class 7: Real men ask for directions when lost - real life testimonials.

Class 9: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks? Driving simulations.


16 November 2008
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark:

  • Don't miss the boat.
  • Remember that we are all in the same boat.
  • Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
  • Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
  • Don't listen to critics. Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
  • Build your future on high ground.
  • For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
  • Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
  • When you're stressed, float a while.
  • Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
  • No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

2 November 2008 - Husbands!
For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo Indian woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband". The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."


26 October 2008 - E-mail mix-up
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor, but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem, and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail; but due to his haste, he made an error in the address.

His message arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room, where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest Wife, departed yesterday, as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

PS Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.


28 September 2008 - Healthy eating!
After an exhaustive review of research literature, here's the final word.

  • Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  • Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  • Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  • Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
  • Germans drink beer and eat lots of fatty sausages and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you!


31 August 2008 - computers- don't you just love them!
At an important computer conference, Bill Gates reportedly stated, "If the motor industry had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to his comments, the boss of General Motors issued a press release stating: If we had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

  • For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  • Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
  • Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  • Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
  • The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
  • The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  • Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
  • Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  • You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

24 August 2008 - The Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent ?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns, and drums in between, to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums, and the goods can be delivered by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.


17 August 2008 - Noah's Ark
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."


27 July 2008 - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - I think it's very serious. If I remember correctly, this is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start towards the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the letterbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the wastepaper bin under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the gar"bage fir"st. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox, when I take out the rubbish, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye - they need watering.

I put the Coke down on the window ledge, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I put the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So I put the remote down on the table, get some paper tissues and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the tubs aren't watered, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the window ledge, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I have absolutely no idea what I did with the car keys!

Then when I try to work out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and 1'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and 1'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


20 July 2008 - Have you ever wondered ...

  • Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection.
  • Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  • Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him.
  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  • Whose idea was it to put the 'S' in the word Lisp?
  • Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  • Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then each down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance.
  • Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  • How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

You Know You Are Living in 2008 when...

  • You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  • You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  • You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
  • Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
  • Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20, 30, 40,50 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
  • You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
  • You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
  • You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13 July 2008 - Read the Instructions

  • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down. (...a bit late!)
  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (and you thought..)
  • On an iron packaging: Do not iron clothes on body (but wouldn't this save me time?)
  • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
  • On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. (I'm taking this because...???)
  • On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (talk about a news flash)
  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. (And ...?)
  • On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.
  • On a brand of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (as opposed to what?)
  • On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have for my hair)
  • On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be???....)
  • On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (but it's just a suggestion)
  • On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (now, somebody out there, help me. I'm a bit curious about this one.)
  • On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. (ouch!)

6 July 2008 - School Exams Answers on the Old and New Testament

  • Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed.
  • When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you.
  • Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.

A child's prayer from Jackie's Class:
Dear God,
I love you. Thank you for all the questions. They are really useful. I've got millions of questions you can answer: Do crusts really make your hair curly? How do pencils write? How do different foods taste nice? Does the moon follow you everywhere?


29 June 2008 - Deep thoughts for those moments when you are tempted to take life too seriously

  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • A day without sunshine is like....... Night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

22 June 2008 - Some one-liners ...

  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
  • Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

Shipwrecked
There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to Die!"

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand? We're going to die!" The second man replied, "You don't understand. I make £10,000 a week."

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make £10,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that £10,000 a week.

My Vicar will find me!"

Marriage
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."


15 June 2008 - School Exams Answers on the Old and New Testament

  • Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
  • Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
  • Jesus enunciated the golden rule which says to do unto others before they do one to you
  • Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marriage

8 June 2008

  • Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
  • A teacher gave her junior school class a lesson on the magnet and what it does. The next day in a written test, she included this question: "My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I pick up things. What am I?" When the test papers were turned in, the teacher was astonished to find that almost 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word "Mother".
  • Auto Repairs. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
  • The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

1 June 2008

  • An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear 100%. He went back to the doctor for a test a month later. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the man said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
  • A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A prayer for all those who work:
Dear God, so far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't criticised or moaned. I haven't been snappy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm going to need a lot of help. Amen.

Are You Driving A Stolen Car?
I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not go.

When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for shouting in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his. After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."

The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, 'There is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car.' Then I noticed the cross hanging from your rear view mirror, the 'Jesus is Coming Soon' bumper sticker, and the Fish symbol, and I thought you must have stolen the car."


© The Risen Lord Preston 2017
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